By the Love and Balance team  |  Updated 8 November 2026  |  11-minute read  |  Every study mentioned is linked in the sources at the end. This is general information, not therapy or medical advice.

It’s the small things that catch you out. A song in a shop. Their name popping up in a group chat. Your thumb drifting to their profile at 11 p.m. before your brain has agreed to anything.

If you want to move on but you still have feelings, you’re not weak, and you’re not stuck. You’re doing something genuinely hard: trying to change your life while your heart is still attached to the old one. Most advice skips this bit. It assumes you’ve stopped caring and just need a new hobby.

This guide starts from the more honest place. Below you’ll find what researchers have actually learned about lingering love, how long recovery tends to take, and eight practical steps you can begin today.

Why it’s so hard to move on when you still care

Let’s start with the brain, because it explains why “just stop thinking about them” never works. In 2010, anthropologist Helen Fisher and colleagues at Rutgers scanned 15 people who had recently been rejected but said they were still intensely in love. On average, 63 days had passed since the rejection. Regions linked to motivation, reward and craving were active, and the team described rejection in love as consistent with a form of addiction. Fisher’s own summary of the paper is worth a read. It isn’t a diagnosis, but it does explain why willpower alone feels so flimsy. Part of you is still reaching for something it was built to want.

Then there’s the pain. A University of Michigan team led by Ethan Kross scanned people who’d been through an unwanted breakup while they looked at a photo of their ex. Areas involved in the sensory side of physical pain lit up (Kross et al., 2011). Other neuroscientists have pushed back, arguing that overlapping brain activity doesn’t prove the two kinds of pain are the same. So treat it as a vivid illustration rather than settled fact. Still, when people say a breakup “hurts”, they aren’t only being poetic.

The third piece is identity. In a 2010 paper, Erica Slotter and colleagues found that after a breakup, people felt less sure who they were, and that this loss of clarity added to their distress (summary here). Couples share friends, routines and in-jokes, and over time they share a bit of each other’s sense of self. So part of what you miss isn’t only them. It’s the version of you that existed beside them.

Take Maya, a composite of situations we hear about often rather than a real individual. Six months on, she’s ticking every box: gym, friends, a new series. Yet she still checks what her ex is listening to on Spotify. When she finally writes down what she misses, the list is oddly specific: Sunday pancakes, being the funny one, a plan for next year. She misses a whole life, not just a person.

How long does it actually take?

Nobody enjoys the honest answer, which is “it depends”. Still, there are numbers worth knowing. In a study of 155 young adults, about 71% took roughly 11 weeks to start seeing something positive in their breakup, and the timeline was similar whether they were the one who ended it or the one who was left (reported by Essence). That’s when they noticed growth, not when the ache vanished. Fisher has said that getting over a rejection in love can take months or even years.

There’s a hopeful footnote. Psychologist Gary Lewandowski, who studies breakups, found that 41% of people looked back and called theirs an overall positive experience, while about one in three called it bad and one in four neutral (Monmouth University). So if week three feels like the end of the world, it may not look that way at week thirty.

8 ways to move on while the feelings are still there

1. Work out what you’re actually missing

“I miss them” is usually four or five different things wearing one coat. Sit down with a notebook and split it up. Is it the person, the daily rhythm, the future you’d pictured, or how you felt about yourself around them? Slotter’s research suggests the identity piece is bigger than most of us expect. Once it’s sorted, each part gets its own fix. A missing rhythm needs a new routine. A missing future needs a smaller, nearer one. Missing the person is the part that simply takes time, and that’s allowed.

2. Shrink the drip-feed

Checking an ex online feels like gathering information. Research says it works more like picking a scab. In a 2012 survey of 464 students, Tara Marshall found that more Facebook “surveillance” of an ex went with more distress, more longing and less personal growth (Brunel University record). That study only showed an association, so Marshall, now at McMaster University, followed up with long-term surveys, daily diaries and an experiment. Seeing an ex on social media reliably raised emotional pain, whether people searched for them or just stumbled across them. She calls the aftermath a “next day emotional hangover” (McMaster, February 2026).

You don’t need a dramatic block. Mute their stories, archive the photos, and ask mutual friends not to give you updates. If you share work or children, keep contact to logistics.

3. Time-box the thinking

Going over the same questions on repeat keeps many people stuck, yet pushing the topic away completely doesn’t work either. A middle path is to give it a window. Psychologist David Sbarra has suggested capping breakup-thinking at somewhere between half an hour and an hour a day. Many people find 20 minutes plenty. Pick a time, avoid bedtime, and when the thoughts show up outside the window, tell them “Tonight at seven” and give your hands something to do.

4. Write down facts before feelings

Journalling is the classic advice, so this one surprises people. Sbarra’s team at the University of Arizona studied 90 recently separated or divorced adults. Among those who tended to ruminate, writing about their emotions left them more distressed months later than simply logging their daily activities (APS release). Sbarra was clear that expressive writing helps plenty of people in other situations, and this sample was separated spouses, not dating couples. Still, if you notice that journalling makes you spiral, try this instead: what I did today, what I’ll do tomorrow, and one honest sentence about how I feel.

5. Rebuild “you” on purpose

In a 2015 study, Grace Larson and David Sbarra worked with more than 200 young adults who’d had a breakup in the previous six months. Those who met with researchers to reflect on their recovery over several sessions showed better emotional recovery, felt less lonely, and had made more progress building an identity outside the relationship (Live Science coverage). Psychologists call this self-concept reorganisation. A related idea is self-expansion: taking on new activities and perspectives. One 2022 set of studies linked more self-expansion with fewer depression symptoms (McIntyre et al.).

In practice: write down five things you loved before the relationship and revive one this week. Then add one completely new thing. Both count.

6. Plan for the cravings

If rejection really does recruit craving circuitry, treat the urge to text them like any other urge. It rises, peaks, and fades. A few rules help. Write the message in your notes app and wait 24 hours before sending anything. Tell one friend you might reach out and ask them to call you on it. Keep a short “because” list, three real reasons the relationship ended, in your own words, for the nights when nostalgia starts editing the story. These are practical suggestions rather than study results, but they follow directly from what the research shows about cravings.

7. Let other people hold some of it

Not everything has to be solved inside your own head at midnight. Pick two people: one who’ll listen, and one who’ll distract you. Tell them which job you need today (“I need to talk” versus “I need dinner and zero chat about him”). If your friends are running out of patience, a therapist is a perfectly ordinary next step, not a last resort.

8. Redefine what “moved on” means

Moving on isn’t a feeling that suddenly arrives. Behaviour changes first, and feelings catch up later. You can feel a pang and still not text. Set a check-in date about 11 weeks out, in line with that average, and ask three questions. Am I sleeping and eating roughly normally? Am I checking on them less? Can I picture a future that doesn’t include them? Two yeses mean you’re moving, even if you still care. If not, adjust the plan. It isn’t failure.

When it’s more than heartbreak

Sadness after a breakup is normal. Please talk to a doctor or therapist if you notice any of these:

•       Weeks of struggling to sleep, eat, work or get out of bed

•       A sense that nothing will ever get better

•       Intrusive urges to track, follow or contact your ex that you can’t control

•       Any thoughts of hurting yourself

If you’re in immediate danger or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number. In the US you can call or text 988, and findahelpline.com lists services in many other countries. If your ex was controlling or frightening, your feelings are often more tangled than ordinary heartbreak, and specialist support can really help.

Final thoughts

You don’t have to wait until you feel nothing. Start with what you can control: less exposure, a smaller thinking window, one old interest revived, one person to lean on. The feelings usually soften as you do that. Be patient with the pace. Eleven weeks is average, and you’re on your own schedule.

Still Have Feelings? 8 Ways to Move On

FAQs

Is it normal to still have feelings months after a breakup?

Yes. Fisher’s participants were about two months out and still intensely in love, and she has noted that recovery can take months or years. If the feelings stay so strong that you can’t work, sleep or eat for weeks, it’s worth speaking to a professional.

Does going no contact help you move on?

Researchers haven’t tested “no contact” under that name, but Marshall’s studies consistently link more exposure to an ex with more distress. Reducing contact and online exposure is well supported. How strict you can be depends on shared children, work or housing.

Can I move on without closure?

Yes. Closure is often something you build yourself rather than something your ex hands over. Larson and Sbarra’s work suggests that rebuilding your sense of self is central to recovery, and that doesn’t need an explanation from them.

Is it okay to stay friends while I still have feelings?

It’s usually harder than it looks. Marshall’s 2012 study found that people who stayed Facebook friends with an ex reported fewer negative feelings and longing, but lower personal growth. That means short-term comfort with a possible long-term cost. Many people find it easier to wait until the feelings have quieted.

Why do I still love someone who hurt me?

Attachment and reward systems don’t read the reasons for a split. They respond to familiarity and what you’ve lost. That doesn’t mean you should go back. If the relationship was controlling or abusive, please reach out to a professional who can help you untangle it safely.

Keep reading: more help for the heart

Healing rarely follows a straight line, so here’s where to go next. If you’re still trying to find your way back to each other, start with How to Reconnect Emotionally With Your Partner: 9 Proven Ways. If the relationship has ended but the love hasn’t, Heal After a Breakup When You Still Love Them: 9 Steps is a gentle companion to this guide. And if you feel flat or worn out inside a relationship that’s still going, Tired of Your Partner? 7 Reasons It’s Normal will help you work out what’s really going on. You can always browse more guides on the Love and Balance blog, and if this one helped, share it with a friend who’s carrying a heavy heart right now.