By Love and Balance Team  |  Last updated: 1 November 2026  |  Reading time: about 11 minutes

Every study mentioned below is linked in the sources list at the end. This article is general information, not therapy or medical advice.

In the summer of 2020, thousands of couples found out something nobody plans for: you can be fully committed and still not be allowed to see each other. Borders closed. Unmarried partners living in different countries were treated as non-essential travellers, and a campaign called Love Is Not Tourism grew out of that frustration. By August, the European Commission was urging member states to let separated couples reunite after almost half a year apart, and the campaign put the number of affected EU citizens and residents at around 9,000.

Most long-distance relationships do not begin with a pandemic. They begin with a job offer, a university place, a visa queue or a posting somewhere far away. The feeling is the same, though. The love is real, and the calendar is against you.

The good news is that the research on long-distance dating is kinder than the internet’s horror stories. It also contains a couple of warnings that most advice articles skip. We read the original studies, not just the headlines written about them, and turned what they found into nine habits you can start this week.

One honest limit before we begin: no study can promise your relationship will work. What research can do is show which behaviours tend to travel with closeness and which tend to travel with trouble.

What the research says about long-distance relationships

Three pieces of research shape everything below.

The diary study. In 2013, Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey Hancock published a study in the Journal of Communication. They followed 63 dating couples for a week: 30 long-distance and 33 living near each other. The long-distance couples reported more intimacy. Two things seemed to explain it. They shared more about themselves, and they tended to see their partner’s behaviour in a more generous light than the partner saw it themselves.

The bigger comparisons. Gretchen Kelmer and colleagues (Family Process, 2013) analysed a national sample of 870 people and found no sign that distance by itself lowers relationship quality, and long-distance couples were no more likely to break up. A team led by Dargie (Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 2015) surveyed 717 people in long-distance relationships and compared them with people who lived near their partners. Same story: no lower satisfaction. One detail stood out. How certain people felt about the relationship’s future mattered more than how far apart they lived.

The warning. Laura Stafford and Andy Merolla (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2007) found that long-distance couples were more stable than local ones, but only while they stayed apart. Couples who finally moved to the same place were around twice as likely to split as couples who kept the distance. Longer gaps between visits and heavy idealisation during the separation predicted the trouble. We come back to this in habit 5.

A fair caveat. Most of these samples are young dating couples, many of them students. Treat the findings as patterns, not predictions. Married partners separated by work, military service or migration, and couples who have been together for decades, are studied far less.

Habit 1: Go deeper, not more often

Here is the finding that surprises people. In the Jiang and Hancock study, the extra closeness in long-distance couples was not explained by constant contact. It came from what they chose to say. When time together is limited, people tend to skip small talk and share the real stuff.

You can copy that on purpose, even if your partner lives ten minutes away. Three things help:

•       Swap “how was your day?” for a sharper question. Try “What was the most irritating part of today?” or “What are you dreading this week?” or “What did you think about on the way home?”

•       Share one unpolished thing a day. A worry, a petty annoyance, a small win. Closeness is built from unedited material, not from highlights.

•       Stop treating a quiet afternoon as a verdict. Three hours without a reply usually means a meeting, a nap or a dead battery.

Habit 2: Agree on the “why” and the rough “when”

If Dargie’s finding holds in your life, the most protective thing you can do is reduce uncertainty. Not by forcing a wedding date, but by talking about direction.

Go back to 2020. The couples behind Love Is Not Tourism were not fighting about whether they loved each other. They were stuck because nobody could say when the separation would end. In our view, that is what wears people down most in an open-ended “someday”: not the missing person, but the missing date.

Have what we call the closing-the-distance conversation. Ask each other three things:

1.      Who would move, and what would need to happen first (a job, a visa, finishing a degree)?

2.      What is a realistic window, even a wide one, such as “between 12 and 18 months”?

3.      What would make either of us rethink the plan?

Put a review date in both calendars, roughly every three months. If one person keeps dodging the topic, that is information. It does not make them a villain, but it is worth saying out loud.

Habit 3: Catch each other’s bids for connection

In the best-known study from John Gottman’s lab, researchers filmed 130 newlywed couples and followed up six years later. The couples still together had “turned toward” each other’s small attempts to connect 86% of the time. The couples who had split managed it 33% of the time. Gottman calls these attempts bids: a sigh, a joke, a “look at this”.

That study was about couples sharing a home, so applying it to distance is our interpretation. But it fits. In a long-distance relationship, a bid arrives as a photo of a sandwich, a meme, a one-word “ugh”. Answering it with real interest, rather than a thumbs-up, is turning toward. You do not have to drop everything. Acknowledgement is enough.

Try this: before bed, scroll back through the day and ask whether you left anything hanging. A voice note saying “sorry, I saw your photo and loved it, tell me about the hike” repairs most of it.

Habit 4: Build rituals, then add novelty

Rituals give a relationship its floor. A fixed call on Wednesday, dinner on video on Fridays, a shared playlist. They make the week feel held.

But rituals alone can go stale. In a classic experiment by Arthur Aron and colleagues (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2000), couples who took part in novel, exciting activities together reported better relationship quality afterwards than couples given ordinary activities. A 2025 paper by Rhonda Balzarini, Anya Sharma and Amy Muise took the idea online. In two lab experiments, couples who felt more present together in a virtual reality activity reported more self-expansion, less boredom and better relationship quality. It is early work, and you do not need a headset to use the idea.

A simple rule: ritual for security, novelty for spark. Aim for one genuinely new thing a month. Ideas that cost almost nothing:

•       Cook the same unfamiliar recipe at the same time and compare disasters.

•       Learn ten words of a language neither of you speaks.

•       Try an online escape room or a co-op game neither of you has played.

•       Read the same book, one chapter a week, and argue about it.

•       Take turns planning a “mystery date” that the other person only learns about ten minutes before.

Habit 5: Keep the idealisation honest

Distance makes it easy to love a highlights reel. You see each other when you are rested, dressed and on your best behaviour. Stafford and Merolla’s work suggests this is part of why reunions are risky. In Stafford’s research on couples who closed the distance, 85% said they missed at least one thing about the long-distance phase, and many had expected life to be simply better once they were together.

Kelmer’s team made a similar point from the other direction: the positive results for long-distance couples may partly reflect romanticising a partner you rarely see. A little optimism helps. Too much becomes a trap.

How to keep it honest:

•       Show the boring version of your life. Call while you fold laundry. Let them see you tired.

•       Talk about the unglamorous topics early: money habits, cleanliness, how you each handle stress, family expectations.

•       Do a trial run. Before anyone relocates, spend two to four weeks in the same place doing ordinary days, not holiday days.

•       Ask one uncomfortable question: “What do you think will be harder once we live together?”

Habit 6: Sign a time-zone and texting treaty

Time zones create more fights than most couples admit. They also change twice a year, and that is exactly when plans slip. Europe moved its clocks last weekend, and daylight-saving time in the United States ends today, 1 November 2026. If one of you is in India and the other on the US East Coast, your gap just widened from nine and a half hours to ten and a half. The call slot that worked last week may now land in the middle of someone’s night.

Write a short treaty together:

•       Two anchor times a week that both of you protect, rechecked every time clocks change.

•       A reply expectation. For example: “If I haven’t answered in six hours, nothing is wrong.”

•       Advance notice of going quiet: exams, night shifts, flights, family events.

•       A rule for big topics. Not by text. Which leads to the next habit.

Habit 7: Argue on a call, not in a thread

Text strips out tone, and distance strips out everything else: the hand on the shoulder, the face softening halfway through a sentence. A small disagreement can harden into a cold war over eleven messages.

Use a switch rule: if an argument has gone back and forth three times without landing, move to voice or video. And if you cannot finish it right now, name when you will. “I’m too angry to talk well. I’ll call at 8 your time” is a complete, grown-up sentence. Logging off without a return time is the move that does the damage.

Habit 8: Protect your own life and cheer on theirs

A long-distance relationship can quietly become a waiting room. You do the job, you see your friends half-heartedly, and the real life starts when the visit begins. That is a recipe for resentment on both sides.

An experiment published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Fivecoat and colleagues, 2015) found that when one partner actively supported the other’s chances to grow and try new things, relationship satisfaction rose. Distance gives you plenty of room to practise this. Keep your local friendships alive. Learn the names of your partner’s friends and say hello to them on a call. Ask about their goals, not just their logistics. A partner who is growing is more interesting to miss.

Habit 9: Plan visits like a project and the endgame like a life decision

Two practical points here.

Visits. Put the next one in the calendar before the current one ends. Many couples find the goodbye gets lighter when the next date exists. Mix special days with ordinary ones, because the ordinary days are the ones that show you what living together would feel like. And expect the first 24 hours to be strange. Awkwardness after weeks apart is normal, not a sign you have grown apart.

The endgame. Stafford’s finding that longer gaps between visits predicted trouble is a reason to keep your meeting rhythm steady, even if each trip is modest. Then, when the closing-the-distance plan is real, treat it like the big decision it is: sort out visa and work timelines, money, and what happens to the person who moves if it does not work out. Awkward conversations now are cheaper than awkward ones later.

Signs a long-distance relationship needs a harder look

Not every long-distance relationship should survive, and ending one is not a personal failure. Watch for these:

•       Effort has been one-sided for months, and raising it changes nothing.

•       Nobody is willing to talk about the future at all.

•       Reunion plans keep slipping with vague reasons.

•       Secrecy or defensiveness about who they spend time with.

•       Control dressed up as care: demanding passwords, constant location proof, or punishing you for being unreachable. Agreed transparency between two people is fine. Demanded surveillance is not.

If you ever feel afraid of your partner, speak to a licensed therapist or a local helpline. In the United States, The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support.

A realistic weekly rhythm to start with

Treat this as a template, not a rulebook. Adjust it to your time zones, jobs and energy.

Final thoughts

Distance does not decide how your relationship goes. What you do with the distance does. The research points in a hopeful direction: say real things, keep the future on the table, notice small bids, try new things, and stay honest about who the other person actually is.

You do not need all nine habits by Friday. Pick one. If you are not sure which, start with habit 1 and ask your partner one sharper question tonight.

Long-Distance Relationship Survival: 9 Science-Backed Habits

Frequently asked questions

Do long-distance relationships actually work?

They can. Studies by Kelmer (2013) and Dargie (2015) found that people in long-distance relationships were about as satisfied as people who live near their partners, and Jiang and Hancock (2013) found higher intimacy in long-distance couples. None of this guarantees success, and most samples were young dating couples.

How often should long-distance couples talk?

There is no magic number. Research points to the quality of conversations rather than the count. Agree on two protected call times a week, add small daily bids such as photos or voice notes, and adjust when life gets busy.

How long is too long to be long-distance?

Research does not set a universal limit. What seems to matter is whether you share a plan. In our editorial view, if six to twelve months pass with no agreed direction, it is time for a direct conversation about who moves, when, and what happens if that is not possible.

How do you keep the spark alive from far away?

Combine a steady ritual with regular novelty. Aron’s research found that couples who tried new, exciting activities together reported better relationship quality than couples doing ordinary ones. Cooking the same new recipe, playing an unfamiliar game or learning a few words of a language all count.

What is the hardest part of a long-distance relationship?

Many people say loneliness and time zones. Research suggests the toughest stretch may actually be the reunion. Stafford and Merolla found that couples who moved to the same place were around twice as likely to break up as couples who stayed apart, partly because of idealisation.

How do I stop feeling insecure when my partner is far away?

Name the feeling instead of testing your partner with it. Ask for one specific form of reassurance, such as a regular call, rather than checking their activity. Agree on reply expectations in your treaty. If anxiety stays high, a therapist can help you work on it.

When should I end a long-distance relationship?

Think hard if effort has been one-sided for months, nobody will discuss the future, reunion plans keep slipping, or there is secrecy or control. If you feel unsafe, seek professional or helpline support. Ending a relationship that no longer fits is not a failure.

Keep reading: when distance stirs up bigger feelings

Distance has a way of turning small worries into loud ones. If the late-night phone check, the urge to justify every plan, or an ache that shows up even while you are on a call sounds like your week, these three guides pick up where this one stops. Start with How to Overcome Jealousy in a Relationship: 9 Proven Ways if you catch yourself spiralling over a delayed reply. Read How to Stop Over-Explaining Yourself in Relationships: 7 Proven Steps if you feel you have to defend every plan and every pause. And if the loneliness is the heaviest part, Why Do I Feel Lonely in My Relationship? 11 Real Reasons will help you understand it. Pick the one that sounds most like you, read it tonight, and then share this article with your partner so you are working on the same page. Tell us in the comments which habit you will try first.

Sources and further reading

1.      Jiang, L. C. & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence Makes the Communication Grow Fonder. Journal of Communication: https://academic.oup.com/joc/article/63/3/556/4085877

2.      University of Florida IFAS, summary of the Jiang and Hancock study: https://blogs.ifas.ufl.edu/fycsdept/2013/12/17/usingtechnologytomaintainlongdistancerelationships

3.      Psychology Today: The Advantages of Long-Distance Relationships (discusses Kelmer et al., 2013, Family Process): https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-advantages-of-long-distance-relationships

4.      UF/IFAS SMARTCouples: Long-Distance Relationships, Can It Work? (Dargie et al., 2015): https://smartcouples.ifas.ufl.edu/dating/coping-with-problems-and-challenges/long-distance-relationships-can-it-work/

5.      Pacific Standard: The Upside of Longing (Stafford & Merolla, 2007): https://psmag.com/social-justice/upside-longing-long-distance-relationships-73949/

6.      FiveThirtyEight: Are Long-Distance Relationships Doomed?: https://fivethirtyeight.com/datalab/are-long-distance-relationships-doomed/

7.      Belmont University Communication blog: Breaking the Distance (Stafford’s reunion research): https://blogs.belmont.edu/communications/?p=929

8.      The Gottman Institute: Turn Toward Instead of Away: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

9.      Balzarini, Sharma & Muise (2025). Virtually Connected. Behavioral Sciences: https://www.mdpi.com/2076-328X/15/1/67

10.   Fivecoat et al. (2015). Partner support for individual self-expansion opportunities. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407514533767

11.   Euronews (7 Aug 2020): Love Is Not Tourism, EU bids to reunite couples: https://www.euronews.com/2020/08/07/love-is-not-tourism-eu-bids-to-reunite-couples-split-by-coronavirus-restrictions

12.   The National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/