By Love and Balance team|  Last updated: October 2026  |  Based on published research from the Gottman Institute, Harvard and peer-reviewed couples studies

Nobody warns you that the hardest stretch of a marriage often isn’t the first year. It’s year twelve, or year twenty-two, when the big fights have mostly stopped but so have the real conversations. You share a calendar, a mortgage, maybe two teenagers and a very opinionated dog. Somewhere along the way you started talking like colleagues.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not broken, and you’re far from alone. Long marriages rarely collapse in one dramatic moment. They thin out slowly, through half-heard stories and missed glances. The good news is that slowness works in your favour too: small, steady changes add up faster than you’d expect.

This guide pulls together decades of research on keeping a marriage strong after years together, from Gottman’s lab observations to the Harvard study that has followed lives since 1938, and turns it into habits you can start this week: no grand gestures, no expensive retreats.

Why Even Good Marriages Drift

Let’s start with something reassuring. Drifting apart doesn’t mean you picked the wrong person. It’s what happens to most relationships when life gets full, and nobody is steering.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development began in 1938 and has followed 724 young men, later expanding to include roughly 1,300 of their descendants. Its clearest message, as director Robert Waldinger has put it, is that good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Men who were most satisfied in their relationships at 50 turned out to be the healthiest at 80. At midlife, relationship satisfaction predicted healthy ageing better than cholesterol levels did.

Two details matter if you’re married. First, quality beats quantity: living in constant conflict wore people down, while warm relationships protected them. Second, warm doesn’t mean perfect. Good marriages still have friction. What sets them apart is how partners treat each other in the ordinary minutes between the friction.

One honest caveat: the original participants were all men, and the study is one project in one region, which is why I’ve paired it with other research below rather than leaning on a single source.

Habit 1: Keep Positives Well Ahead of Negatives (The 5-to-1 Rule)

Psychologist John Gottman spent decades watching couples discuss conflict in his lab and counting what happened. In stable, happy marriages, he found at least five positive interactions for every negative one during a disagreement. In couples heading for divorce, the ratio sat around 0.8 to 1, so slightly more negativity than positivity.

Positive doesn’t mean fake cheerfulness. It means humour, affection, curiosity, empathy and small agreements: “That’s fair,” “I can see why that annoyed you,” a hand on the arm. Negative means eye-rolling, dismissiveness, criticism and defensiveness. Gottman’s view is that anger on its own isn’t the problem; anger mixed with criticism or contempt is.

Try this for one week: jot down every positive moment with your spouse in your phone notes, however tiny. Some couples discover their ratio is healthier than they feared. Others realise they haven’t said a kind thing in days. Either way, you get data instead of a vague feeling. And when you do argue, drop the sweeping “you always” and “you never” lines and anything that sounds superior or insulting.

A small reality check: a quiet marriage isn’t automatically a good one. Some research summaries suggest emotionally flat couples can fare worse than expressive ones. The aim isn’t zero conflict. It’s a healthy balance.

Habit 2: Turn Toward the Small Stuff

Here’s the most useful pair of numbers I’ve come across in marriage research: 86 percent versus 33 percent.

Gottman’s team studied newlyweds and checked back six years later. Couples still married had turned toward their partner’s small requests for attention 86 percent of the time in the lab. Couples who had divorced managed it only 33 percent of the time.

Researchers call these small requests “bids.” A bid can be “Look at that sunset,” a sigh at the kitchen sink, or a meme sent mid-afternoon. You can turn toward it (“Ha, that’s brilliant”), turn away (silence, scrolling), or turn against it (“Not now, I’m busy”). Gottman likens each response to a deposit into, or a withdrawal from, an emotional bank account.

That study followed newlyweds, so I’m applying it by analogy to older marriages. But the mechanism, that small moments build or erode trust, doesn’t expire at year ten. If anything, it matters more at year twenty, when routine can make bids invisible.

•       When your spouse starts talking, look up from your phone for the first ten seconds. You can go back to it afterwards.

•       Respond with something, even a nod, a touch or a “hmm.” It counts.

•       Name it. Some couples literally say “that was a bid” and laugh. It makes the habit playful instead of preachy.

Habit 3: Stop Trying to Win the Unwinnable Arguments

According to Gottman, around 69 percent of the time couples are arguing about perpetual problems that never get fully resolved. One of you spends, the other saves. One is a night owl. One hates hosting his in-laws. If you’ve been having the same argument since 2009, congratulations: you are statistically normal.

What matters is tone. In Gottman’s framework, couples who last handle recurring issues with humour and curiosity, while struggling couples let them harden into gridlock and hurt. Try swapping “How do we fix this?” for “Why does this matter so much to you?” Behind most stubborn positions sits a value or a memory: security, freedom, respect, family. Once you can see that, the argument often softens, even if the disagreement doesn’t disappear.

Habit 4: Spot the Four Habits That Quietly Wear Marriages Down

Gottman nicknamed four conflict patterns the “Four Horsemen” because they tend to predict trouble. Most of us do each of them occasionally. The point is to notice them early and swap in the antidote.

Contempt is generally considered the most corrosive of the four. If you only fix one thing this month, make it that.

Habit 5: Try Something New Together

Ask a couple who’s been married for 15 years what they did last weekend and you’ll probably hear: groceries, laundry, a film they’ve both seen. Familiarity is comfortable, and it’s also where boredom breeds.

Psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues proposed that relationships thrive on “self-expansion,” the thrill of learning and growing alongside someone. In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2000, couples who had been together for years took part in a novel, mildly exciting activity. Afterwards, they rated their relationship quality higher and were less hostile with each other. A later brain-imaging study by Aron’s group also found that some long-term couples who reported intense love showed brain activity similar to that of new lovers when they looked at their partner’s photo.

So passion doesn’t have to fade by default. The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley suggests a simple exercise: write a list of ten new or slightly challenging activities and do one each week. Think a dance class, a trek on an unfamiliar trail, cooking a cuisine neither of you has tried, or volunteering together.

Habit 6: Hold a 20-Minute Weekly Check-In

Most couples only talk about the relationship when something is wrong, which means every relationship conversation starts with a tense stomach. A scheduled check-in flips that. Pick a calm time (not at 11 pm), and keep it short. A format that works for many couples:

•       Appreciations (5 minutes): each of you names two things the other did this week that you valued.

•       What worked (5 minutes): anything that made the week easier or warmer.

•       One thing to improve (7 minutes): just one. Use a gentle start-up, and no scorekeeping.

•       Logistics (3 minutes): upcoming week, money, kids, parents. Done, closed, out of your hair.

The rule that makes it work: nothing heavy gets raised outside the check-in unless it’s urgent. That alone can cut the number of surprise arguments dramatically, because both of you know there’s a safe place for it.

Habit 7: Protect Touch, Intimacy and Play

Long marriages often slide into logistical affection: a peck on the way out, a lot of talk about school fees and gas bills. Touch and play need to be deliberate.

Research by Muise and colleagues on self-expanding activities found that couples encouraged to try new things together reported higher sexual desire and relationship satisfaction than a no-intervention comparison group. Interestingly, they didn’t score higher than couples encouraged to do familiar things, so you don’t need to climb a mountain. It’s about shared attention.

•       Add non-sexual touch to your day: hold hands on a walk, hug for a full breath when one of you gets home.

•       Talk about intimacy outside the bedroom and outside conflict, when nobody is tired or defensive.

•       If one of you goes quiet or pulls away afterwards, ask with curiosity, not accusation. Withdrawal usually has a reason, and it is rarely about the thing you assume.

•       Be silly on purpose. Shared laughter lowers tension faster than any communication technique.

Habit 8: Act Like Teammates Through Life’s Big Transitions

The kids leave. A parent falls ill. Someone loses a job, or retires, and suddenly both of you are home all day. Long marriages are really a series of different marriages, and each transition rearranges roles.

Waldinger has noted that warm, close relationships can buffer us from some of the knocks of ageing, which is one reason these seasons are worth navigating together. Practically:

•       Name the change. Say, “This is a new chapter. What do each of us need from the other?” It sounds corny and works anyway.

•       Make invisible work visible. Write down who handles what, including the mental load, and rebalance it on purpose.

•       Decide money rules together before the stress hits, including a “no questions asked” personal spending amount for each of you.

•       Plan for each other’s identity. If one of you is retiring, talk about what will give each of you purpose beyond the job.

Habit 9: Get Help Early, Not Last

We see a dentist before the tooth breaks. Marriages deserve the same logic. A counsellor, a couples workshop or even a good book can help you spot patterns you’re too close to see. Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and What Makes Love Last? are two widely used starting points, and many therapists are trained in the Gottman Method.

A safety note: everything in this article assumes both of you are safe and respected. If you’re experiencing physical, sexual or emotional abuse, or you feel afraid of your spouse, couples techniques are not the right tool. Contact a trusted person or your local domestic violence helpline first.

Your 30-Day Starter Plan

Keep Your Marriage Strong After Years: 9 Proven Habits

Frequently Asked Questions

How do you keep a marriage strong after 20 years?

Focus on small daily habits rather than rare big gestures: respond to your spouse’s everyday bids for attention, keep positive interactions well ahead of negative ones, try something new together, and hold a short weekly check-in. Research suggests these everyday moments, not anniversaries or holidays, are what build lasting trust.

Is it normal to feel disconnected from your spouse after many years?

Yes. Routine, parenting, work and stress can crowd out closeness, and satisfaction often dips after the early years. Feeling distant is a signal to reinvest, not proof the marriage is over. If the distance comes with contempt, deep resentment or persistent unhappiness, consider speaking to a therapist.

Is it healthy for married couples to argue?

Occasional disagreement is normal. Gottman’s research found that most couples have recurring conflicts they never fully solve. What predicts trouble isn’t the arguing itself but how you argue: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling do the damage, while humour, empathy and repair keep a marriage steady.

What are the warning signs that a marriage is in trouble?

Common signs include a positive-to-negative ratio at or below 1 to 1 during conflict, regular contempt or sarcasm, one or both partners consistently turning away from bids, and ongoing emotional withdrawal. None of these is a verdict on its own, but several together are a good reason to seek support early.

Can a marriage improve if only one partner is trying?

One person changing their habits can shift the pattern, because relationships work like systems: when you stop criticising or begin responding warmly, your spouse’s responses often change too. But one partner can’t carry a marriage alone indefinitely, and you can’t force anyone to participate. Individual counselling can help you decide what is realistic.

When should we see a marriage counsellor?

Earlier than most people think. Consider it when the same fight keeps recurring without progress, when you feel more like roommates than partners, after a breach of trust, or before a major life change. Seeing someone early is usually easier and cheaper than waiting for a crisis.

Final Thoughts

A marriage that lasts isn’t one without problems. It’s one where two people keep choosing to turn toward each other, in the grocery queue as much as in the grand moments. You don’t have to do all nine habits at once. Pick one, try it for a week, and notice what shifts. Then tell me in the comments which habit you’re starting with, because your story might be exactly what another reader needs.

Keep Reading

If this article spoke to something you’re going through, these guides on Love and Balance go deeper. When things feel close to breaking point, read Divorce Isn’t the Answer: 7 Proven Ways to Save Your Marriage. If a relationship has already ended and you’re finding your feet, Stages of Grief After a Breakup in Order: 7 Steps to Heal will walk you through what to expect. And if your partner goes quiet or pulls away after closeness, Why Men Withdraw After Intimacy: 7 Real Reasons explains what may be going on beneath the surface. Click through, read the one that fits, and take the next small step today.

Is Your Marriage Hanging by a Thread?

If you’re a husband who has tried the habits above and still feels the distance growing, a structured guide can give you somewhere to start. One option worth a look is The Last-Ditch Marriage Saver for Men, a downloadable guide of roughly 180 pages that, according to its sales page, covers 33 strategies on communication, respect, intimacy and trust, along with templates and checklists. The seller also advertises a 60-day money-back guarantee. I can’t promise it will work for your marriage, because no guide can, so read the page carefully, check the current price and refund terms yourself, and treat it as one tool alongside honest conversation and, where needed, a qualified counsellor. Take a look at the guide here →